The Big O

Well I just don't know what to say to the fact that you've likely been checking back to see if I've posted anything new. And when you come to this site, you keep seeing the story about me getting my hoo-haw checked. And that's not pleasant for ANYONE. This blog will not be about my, or anyone's, hoo-haw. Promise.

Instead it's about Oprah. The Big O. Since the gods smiled upon my household and I got The DVR, I've used it to record The Oprah Winfrey Show every day. Every single day. There's so much estrogen inside my DVR that it's starting to have cramps and be moody. So yesterday, I decided that I'd clear my busy schedule of laying by the pool and painting and free time (who am I kidding? I didn't have to clear my schedule, I just did this in addition...) and watch most of the Oprah episodes stored inside The DVR. All 892 of them.

I've watched so much Oprah that I believe I just might also be a 54-year-old, Nashville-raised, Obama-supportin', Africa-teachin', Secret-believin', black woman.

Or not.

Okay well with the enormity of the Oprah recordings, I had to first sort through about 70-something episodes (I'm not kidding with that number) and erase the ones that I was FOR CERTAIN not going to poison my brain with. Episodes about Africa and politics and puppy mills. Instead, I kept the episodes about dating, polygamy, and Tom Hanks with Julia Roberts!!!

Because nothing says self-education like Forest Gump and Pretty Woman talking about plural marriage and why I'm still single. That's pretty much the summation of what I watched yesterday. And it was glorious. I was FASCINATED with the difference among the lives of plural marriage families. They are like night and day. I had no idea. Some communities are oppressive and shut off to the world, and others are modern American families just asking that their choice in lifestyle not be considered criminal.

Read: I am not going to join a plural marriage. I still belive it is unGodly. And creepy. And ALL the dudes are ugly. And they birth 6+ kids each. Through their hoo-haw! DANGIT...I promised the blog wouldn't be about hoo-haws!

And then the episode about Charlie Wilson's War made me want to 1. see the movie, 2. really like Julia Roberts, whereas I've always been opposed to her, and 3. have a serious old-guy crush on Tom Hanks.

Then there was the episode with the crazy dating-guru lady who told people why they are still single. No holds barred. And I didn't have ANY of the same problems as these poor people. So I felt a little bit better about myself. However, if I'm 35 and still single, I'm gonna call this lady.

Lastly, I watched an episode about a little thing called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Heard of it? Yeah, me either.

Hold on while I go make sure that I turned the sink off no less than 7 times.

Much better. As I was saying...there was this episode about OCD and I had never heard of it. Dr. Oz took some folks with severe OCD issues to an OCD camp to heal their OCD ways. Actually, he loaded them on a bus and surprised them at the OCD camp. First of all, how do you get obsessive compulsive people to agree to go with Dr. Oz anywhere unknowingly? I don't have a second of all, I'm just sayin'.

So these folks are mostly germ-a-phobs and it's ruined their lives. Admittedly, I make sure to wash my hands before I touch most, if not all, foods I put in my mouth. Only foods though. Anything else going in my trap can be full of germs. Kidding. So these folks are the very definition of OCD about germs and washing hands and not touching food and cleaning their houses and workspaces. It was literally OOC.

Out of control, for you non-acronym folks out there. Just FYI. For your information...GEEZ KEEP UP!

Dr. Oz made the OCD folk step on their bedsheets with their "dirty" shoes, give a group hug, and walk into public restrooms. Not bad, I was thinking. In fact, it just seemed like tough love to me. Like, he'd find their disorder and make them do something that any "normal" person wouldn't really think is dirty.

Until....UNTIL he made them do something so insane that I will forever and wholly abhor Dr. Oz. He made these poor OCD people touch a public toilet seat with their hands and then LICK ALL FINGERS. He made them touch the inside of a dumpster and then LICK THEIR HANDS. And you know what? They did it!

Are you freaking kidding me? I do not have OCD...maybe other disorders but definitely not OCD...yet I would NEVER, EVER lick my hands after touching a public toilet or dumpster. You are just asking for a parasite! I have a slight, yet rational, fear of bees but I'm not gonna coat my head in honey and stick it inside a hive!!!!! Goodness gracious Dr. Oz!!!!!

I bet the polygamists, Tom, and Julia would have backed me and not licked their hands, either!