OH MY! You know you said it out loud just now. Admit it.
So I went on a walk this evening in a park nearby my house. It's the neighborhood park, which is why living in the smallest house in a rich neighborhood was a grand idea. You get the pool AND the park AND the playground. Don't think I haven't wanted to go down that slide...because I have.
So I went a-walking around 7:45pm and there were lots of cars in the parking lot, yet only about 7 other humans on the trail. I have been to this park at dawn and at dusk and it's in a brushy area that has a lot of housing development going on around it. I always fear that when I'm alone on the trail, I'm going to be breakfast or dinner for a large cat...like a mountain lion. And if you think that's crazy-talk, well you're wrong. There are mountain lions in a larger park in the same area of town. Yikes! Anyway, I'm always on my toes while walking on the trail...looking in the bushes and listening to rustles. Because I am strong, but I am all about Stranger Danger! Animal or human. And just in case, I have a plan to poke the mountain lion (or human) in the eyeballs should I ever be attacked.
Today, I saw plenty o' God's creatures on that trail. And I'm not talking about the two lesbians that walked behind me the entire way, despite my increase in pace to try to lose them.
I apologize. I don't actually know that they were lesbians. But the close walking and talking, athletic gear, mullets, and overall huskiness gave it away.
ANYWAY...I was about 5 minutes into my walk and I looked to my left to spy a sweet doe staring right back at me about 30 yards away. I stood for a few minutes and cooed at her and talked to her and she liked me. She didn't even scamper when I walked away. But then the lesbians were hot on my trail and the doe darted for cover.
Not twenty seconds later, I saw a lil bunny hippity hop across my path and it made me go, "OOOOOOOOOO A BUNNY!" like I'm 8 and have never seen one close up. The lesbians didn't care about the gentle cottontail.
A bit later, I saw a green snake. Yeah. But it was pencil thin and about 1.5 feet long. I stopped about 10 feet away from it and carefully considered my options. I nixed the idea of going into the brush to avoid the mountain lion lurking and ready to pounce. I narrowed it down to...Option 1: Run full speed and jump over and Option 2: Slowly step over it as wide as I can behind it.
Option 1 won out and the lesbians chose Option 2 without hesitation. Then they looked at me funny. As if I was the one with the mullet.
Then I saw a bear. Large and black and fluffy. Okay, it wasn't a bear...it was a Newfounland being walked by his owner. But it scared the bejeezus out of me and for 1.2 seconds...I thought it was a black bear on a leash.
I found out it was a Newfoundland because, while I fake-smiled at the owner and gave the dog the evil eye, the lesbians stopped the man and said, "He looks like a bear! He's beautiful! What kind?" At least I'm not the only one that thought the dog looked like a bear.
And as I rounded the trail at the end, a jackrabbit hopped across my path. Not the same bunny as before. I crouched down to watch him 7 feet away, under some brush. The lesbians passed me up but I was enamored with, "OOOOOOOOOOO LOOK ANOTHER BUNNY!"
A doe, two bunnies, a snake, a bear! OH MY!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Big O
Well I just don't know what to say to the fact that you've likely been checking back to see if I've posted anything new. And when you come to this site, you keep seeing the story about me getting my hoo-haw checked. And that's not pleasant for ANYONE. This blog will not be about my, or anyone's, hoo-haw. Promise.
Instead it's about Oprah. The Big O. Since the gods smiled upon my household and I got The DVR, I've used it to record The Oprah Winfrey Show every day. Every single day. There's so much estrogen inside my DVR that it's starting to have cramps and be moody. So yesterday, I decided that I'd clear my busy schedule of laying by the pool and painting and free time (who am I kidding? I didn't have to clear my schedule, I just did this in addition...) and watch most of the Oprah episodes stored inside The DVR. All 892 of them.
I've watched so much Oprah that I believe I just might also be a 54-year-old, Nashville-raised, Obama-supportin', Africa-teachin', Secret-believin', black woman.
Or not.
Okay well with the enormity of the Oprah recordings, I had to first sort through about 70-something episodes (I'm not kidding with that number) and erase the ones that I was FOR CERTAIN not going to poison my brain with. Episodes about Africa and politics and puppy mills. Instead, I kept the episodes about dating, polygamy, and Tom Hanks with Julia Roberts!!!
Because nothing says self-education like Forest Gump and Pretty Woman talking about plural marriage and why I'm still single. That's pretty much the summation of what I watched yesterday. And it was glorious. I was FASCINATED with the difference among the lives of plural marriage families. They are like night and day. I had no idea. Some communities are oppressive and shut off to the world, and others are modern American families just asking that their choice in lifestyle not be considered criminal.
Read: I am not going to join a plural marriage. I still belive it is unGodly. And creepy. And ALL the dudes are ugly. And they birth 6+ kids each. Through their hoo-haw! DANGIT...I promised the blog wouldn't be about hoo-haws!
And then the episode about Charlie Wilson's War made me want to 1. see the movie, 2. really like Julia Roberts, whereas I've always been opposed to her, and 3. have a serious old-guy crush on Tom Hanks.
Then there was the episode with the crazy dating-guru lady who told people why they are still single. No holds barred. And I didn't have ANY of the same problems as these poor people. So I felt a little bit better about myself. However, if I'm 35 and still single, I'm gonna call this lady.
Lastly, I watched an episode about a little thing called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Heard of it? Yeah, me either.
Hold on while I go make sure that I turned the sink off no less than 7 times.
Much better. As I was saying...there was this episode about OCD and I had never heard of it. Dr. Oz took some folks with severe OCD issues to an OCD camp to heal their OCD ways. Actually, he loaded them on a bus and surprised them at the OCD camp. First of all, how do you get obsessive compulsive people to agree to go with Dr. Oz anywhere unknowingly? I don't have a second of all, I'm just sayin'.
So these folks are mostly germ-a-phobs and it's ruined their lives. Admittedly, I make sure to wash my hands before I touch most, if not all, foods I put in my mouth. Only foods though. Anything else going in my trap can be full of germs. Kidding. So these folks are the very definition of OCD about germs and washing hands and not touching food and cleaning their houses and workspaces. It was literally OOC.
Out of control, for you non-acronym folks out there. Just FYI. For your information...GEEZ KEEP UP!
Dr. Oz made the OCD folk step on their bedsheets with their "dirty" shoes, give a group hug, and walk into public restrooms. Not bad, I was thinking. In fact, it just seemed like tough love to me. Like, he'd find their disorder and make them do something that any "normal" person wouldn't really think is dirty.
Until....UNTIL he made them do something so insane that I will forever and wholly abhor Dr. Oz. He made these poor OCD people touch a public toilet seat with their hands and then LICK ALL FINGERS. He made them touch the inside of a dumpster and then LICK THEIR HANDS. And you know what? They did it!
Are you freaking kidding me? I do not have OCD...maybe other disorders but definitely not OCD...yet I would NEVER, EVER lick my hands after touching a public toilet or dumpster. You are just asking for a parasite! I have a slight, yet rational, fear of bees but I'm not gonna coat my head in honey and stick it inside a hive!!!!! Goodness gracious Dr. Oz!!!!!
I bet the polygamists, Tom, and Julia would have backed me and not licked their hands, either!
Instead it's about Oprah. The Big O. Since the gods smiled upon my household and I got The DVR, I've used it to record The Oprah Winfrey Show every day. Every single day. There's so much estrogen inside my DVR that it's starting to have cramps and be moody. So yesterday, I decided that I'd clear my busy schedule of laying by the pool and painting and free time (who am I kidding? I didn't have to clear my schedule, I just did this in addition...) and watch most of the Oprah episodes stored inside The DVR. All 892 of them.
I've watched so much Oprah that I believe I just might also be a 54-year-old, Nashville-raised, Obama-supportin', Africa-teachin', Secret-believin', black woman.
Or not.
Okay well with the enormity of the Oprah recordings, I had to first sort through about 70-something episodes (I'm not kidding with that number) and erase the ones that I was FOR CERTAIN not going to poison my brain with. Episodes about Africa and politics and puppy mills. Instead, I kept the episodes about dating, polygamy, and Tom Hanks with Julia Roberts!!!
Because nothing says self-education like Forest Gump and Pretty Woman talking about plural marriage and why I'm still single. That's pretty much the summation of what I watched yesterday. And it was glorious. I was FASCINATED with the difference among the lives of plural marriage families. They are like night and day. I had no idea. Some communities are oppressive and shut off to the world, and others are modern American families just asking that their choice in lifestyle not be considered criminal.
Read: I am not going to join a plural marriage. I still belive it is unGodly. And creepy. And ALL the dudes are ugly. And they birth 6+ kids each. Through their hoo-haw! DANGIT...I promised the blog wouldn't be about hoo-haws!
And then the episode about Charlie Wilson's War made me want to 1. see the movie, 2. really like Julia Roberts, whereas I've always been opposed to her, and 3. have a serious old-guy crush on Tom Hanks.
Then there was the episode with the crazy dating-guru lady who told people why they are still single. No holds barred. And I didn't have ANY of the same problems as these poor people. So I felt a little bit better about myself. However, if I'm 35 and still single, I'm gonna call this lady.
Lastly, I watched an episode about a little thing called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Heard of it? Yeah, me either.
Hold on while I go make sure that I turned the sink off no less than 7 times.
Much better. As I was saying...there was this episode about OCD and I had never heard of it. Dr. Oz took some folks with severe OCD issues to an OCD camp to heal their OCD ways. Actually, he loaded them on a bus and surprised them at the OCD camp. First of all, how do you get obsessive compulsive people to agree to go with Dr. Oz anywhere unknowingly? I don't have a second of all, I'm just sayin'.
So these folks are mostly germ-a-phobs and it's ruined their lives. Admittedly, I make sure to wash my hands before I touch most, if not all, foods I put in my mouth. Only foods though. Anything else going in my trap can be full of germs. Kidding. So these folks are the very definition of OCD about germs and washing hands and not touching food and cleaning their houses and workspaces. It was literally OOC.
Out of control, for you non-acronym folks out there. Just FYI. For your information...GEEZ KEEP UP!
Dr. Oz made the OCD folk step on their bedsheets with their "dirty" shoes, give a group hug, and walk into public restrooms. Not bad, I was thinking. In fact, it just seemed like tough love to me. Like, he'd find their disorder and make them do something that any "normal" person wouldn't really think is dirty.
Until....UNTIL he made them do something so insane that I will forever and wholly abhor Dr. Oz. He made these poor OCD people touch a public toilet seat with their hands and then LICK ALL FINGERS. He made them touch the inside of a dumpster and then LICK THEIR HANDS. And you know what? They did it!
Are you freaking kidding me? I do not have OCD...maybe other disorders but definitely not OCD...yet I would NEVER, EVER lick my hands after touching a public toilet or dumpster. You are just asking for a parasite! I have a slight, yet rational, fear of bees but I'm not gonna coat my head in honey and stick it inside a hive!!!!! Goodness gracious Dr. Oz!!!!!
I bet the polygamists, Tom, and Julia would have backed me and not licked their hands, either!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Under Pressure
I have never thought of myself as having an apprehension towards doctors, doctor's offices, or doctor appointments. I see their service as a necessary and very helpful one to humankind. And goodness knows I possess neither the intelligence, ability, or desire to practice medicine. But over the last couple of years, I have noticed that I don't so much enjoy the doctor appointments.
I never really minded the opthamologist - seeing as how I've been going since I was one and a half years old. But now, I see the eye doctor visit as one that makes me feel stupid ("NO! I CAN'T READ THAT LETTER! Yes, you are correct; I do teach children their letters. But that does not make me able to read the big E!") and poor (do you know how much the contact lens consultation runs?). The dermatologist was NEVER helpful, seeing as how I'm 27 and have been on Accutane twice and I still have acne. The orthopedic surgeon was great because he fixed my knee twice, but I never want to see him again. I never minded the dentist or orthodontist when I was younger...even when I had braces. But now, I see the tooth doctor as someone who will very soon have to saw into my jaw and cut away bone that is my last widsom tooth. Why didn't my previous oral surgeon remove my third wisdom tooth while he was extracting the bottom two? Because he's a longhorn.
Oh calm down UT grads. I kid. I honestly don't know why Doctor didn't remove all three of my wisdom teeth at one time. Furthermore, I don't know why I didn't ask this question back when he removed them. And even furthermore, I don't know why I only have 3 wisdom teeth instead of four. Anyway, I fear the surgery and the verbal barrage that I must floss more...and therefore dislike the oral health visit all together!
But you know which doctor is my least favorite? The girly-visit doctor. That's right people. I know you feel my discomfort here. I'm going to share a little story with you today that is not for the weak. So brace yourself and buckle down to read a personal, yet hopefully funny, story. And because of the absurdity of my experiences today, I'm not the least bit modest with my medical history. So you're gonna pretty much get it all.
I used to have a general practitioner that was a small Asian woman.
Stop the story. Shouldn't all stories start out with a small Asian woman as the main character? Except she's not the main character...I am. And I'm not Asian. Nor relatively small.
Back to the story. Once upon a time, the small Asian lady doctor used to make me wait in her office for just shy of an hour before she'd see me. Then her apathetic physician's assistant would ask all sorts of questions in a completely dry and slightly aggravating way. She did my first PAP smear when I was 18. She was not gentle. It was not pleasant.
Do we need a minute for all of you to let the word PAP resonate? I bet you didn't see that coming. Oh and it's just the tip of the iceburg in today's lovely vignette.
So I left that doctor's practice and, quite frankly, protested all things health realated unless I was dying. I didn't go back for a girly-visit until quite some years later. I asked many a friend who they like to go to for their girly-visit doctor and one name kept coming back to me: Rami. So, I make an appointment with Rami two years ago at this time. And I went to visit Rami. Rami's my general practitioner but he does it all.
I'm not gonna lie. I was not pleased with the idea of Rami and all his glory down in mine. But he was nice. And funny. And a runner. You could pretty much be a serial killer, but if you're also a runner, I'll befriend you. I don't like many personal questions, even from the doctor. I don't like explaining myself and my decisions. But, when one is paying money to have someone evaluate you're overall health, it's not exactly helpful to answer, "I don't know" when he asks, "Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary? Is there anything you'd like to bring to my attention today?" So I shared with Rami as many details as I could muster...told him I protest the girly-doctor visit...told him that he's on an interview process.
Rami brought in the lady physician assistant so he could do the full body exam that we all know and love. And you know what? Rami's good. Until I heard some rustling and then he said the word "biopsy." Then I punched him in the face. After he came to, he asked for another assistant...because YES! LET'S INVITE MORE PEOPLE IN HERE TO SEE THIS! And so now we're all down there and I'm sweating in a panic. Then I heard a lady crack the door and yell, "Yolanda! Can you bring some more ______? We're gonna need more _______." It was a medical term and I didn't know it until Rami explained that it's an anesthetic. Oh good. Open the door up and bring someone else in here...with an anesthetic. My lucky day.
LOOOOONG story shorter...tears...frantic phonecall to Loop from the parking lot...a week of waiting...and finally negative test results and negative follow up appointments later...I was okay. Like a fool, I made another appointment to see him last year. Except that appointment was short and sweet and no mess. Probably because I sweated balls while I was in there and said two words to him the entire visit. It was a self-imposed shun of Rami because I feared the procedure and that he might say the B-word again. And he did not. And I loved Rami again.
So, today was my annual appointment with Rami. I made sure to have a relaxing morning and did all the things I like to do: run, email, watch lots of morning television, ate a good lunch, and drank a lot of water so I can be ready to pee in a cup. I mentally prepared myself. Not to mention the personal grooming that takes place before this doctor's appointment. Because, while I'm sure it's not THAT big of a deal to him, no one wants to be talked about at the water cooler for their lack of ladyscaping. And I was also prepared to discuss with him my acne issues. Which make me want to stick my head inside a cellophane sack and inhale repeatedly. Because ACNE AT 27 FOR NO APPARENT REASON IS ASININE.
I went through the whole kit and kaboodle of questions and answered them with a smile on my face and even made small talk with the physician's assistant. She's about 50 and very maternal. I like her a lot. Except for last year when I saw her at Barnes and Noble THE DAY AFTER she assisted with my PAP smear. She has a second-job and checked me out at the cash register. I don't think she recognized me with my clothes on and my legs not in stirrups. So, I answered PA Barnes & Noble's questions and we chit chatted and I tried not to sweat balls in the office. Then Rami came in and asked if it would be okay if a new physician's assistant came in to ask me some questions, "Because she's a student and it would be so helpful if she could come in and learn and..." And I cut him off with, "Yeah yeah yeah...bring her in." I was not totally on board with this idea but something told me to be a good sport. I instantly thought of me being a student teacher and needing to learn from experience. I've had several students observe my teaching and I let them work with my kids so that they can be proficient teachers one day. And the only way you're gonna learn is if you get in there and get your hands dirty. Pun intended. I let the PA come in to ask me some questions.
Okay. Well PA comes in...and let's just rename her PA Hottie. That's right. The 5'10'' blonde-haired, blue-eyed, fit, impeccable-skinned, kick-ace-diamond-ring-on-her-left-hand-wearing PA Hottie came in and shook my hand.
I wanted to kick her in the shins, but then thought that might be a touch less than graceful. I shook her hand and immediately thought myself to be a squatty and unintelligent pod of a person. Then I noticed she is an Aggie! PRAISE THE LORD - we have common ground! I ask her if she was and what year and she replied, "Yes, '05." very unaffected. Like she didn't even remember. I have to give the girl some credit -and yes, GIRL because she's younger than I am- she was professional and kind and asked all the medical history in a pleasant way. I kind of liked her. I kind of want to look her up on Facebook because I bet she has a site. Because, apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't. Okay so she goes through my ENTIRE family's medical history, and I had to tell her in detail all about my surgeries and procedures. Do you remember me saying earlier that I don't exactly like answering these personal questions? She made me repeat that I'm not on any medications twice. Like she didn't believe me. And then asked AGAIN, "So, no birth control? No vitamins?" I'm sorry...since when is a daily multi-vitamin considered medication? I admitted to the "women's daily multi-vitamin" but nothing else with a pseudo-smile on my face. I finished answering PA Hottie's questions because I know she's just a lil pup learning to medicate folks like me.
Then Rami came in and said that she's gonna do the exam...and then he explained how to get undressed and put on the "gown" with the white paper blanket that has the thickness of a doily to cover my legs. Seriously, do you need to remind me year after year how to do this? I got it. I follow Rami's instructions and PA Hottie and PA Barnes and Noble come back in. PA B&N looks busy getting the instruments ready and PA Hottie goes ahead and feels me up. Surprisingly, I was okay with this. I'd rather them do that than touch my stomach. And then she touched my stomach and I wanted to kick her in the shins for the second time. Especially when she blinded me with this again...
Okay so PA B&N has the stirrups ready to go...I'm mentally prepared...I'm hangin' off the table...and PA B&N reminds...REMINDS...PA Hottie to show me what she's doing. Hottie goes through the whole "This is what's gonna happen..." schpeil and I wanted to say, "Save it!" but just smiled and offered "Okay!" Because what I really want is a student down there in my business weilding a speculum with as much coordination as a one-armed monkey. Y'all she was down there for at least three times the normal amount and I heard her say, "I can't find the cervix."
Didn't see that coming either, did you? Yeah...NEITHER DID I. I wanted to say, "Well...I'm pretty sure it's there...so HUSTLE IT UP!"
There was so much fishing around and breeziness going on. I tried to remind myself that she was just a young lil Ag and relax as I sang the War Hymn quietly to myself. That's a joke...I didn't. I sang Spirit of Aggieland. Anyway, about 8 minutes later (and that's an accurate account, and FAR too long to be doin' that in my opinion), she found my cervix -YIPPEE!- and did what she had to do. Truth be told, it wasn't bad...it was just long and exposed. I mean, she was down there long enough to find my lungs from her angle. The PAs even made some sort of joke of needing a helmet like the ones miners wear...you know, with the light on the front? Yeah...NOT FUNNY RIGHT NOW. Are you done yet? Then I sat up and she reminded me that we weren't finished and had to do the pelvic and hiney-mo exam. She offered me a "Sorry" because she took so long. I don't know if a doctor is ever supposed to say "sorry" but I felt bad for the girl. She probably wants to be a PA for the cardiac unit and here she is - goin' full throttle on the ob-gyn spectrum. It's kind of like your first love though...she'll never forget her first PAP. Okay so FINALLY, I was able to sit up and hurriedly covered myself with the doily. As PAs Hottie and B&N walked out, Hottie said, "Thank you" and I replied with "Sure!" What? WHO AM I? Why say "Sure" or "No problem" or "Thank you" even? I don't quite know the appropriate response but I should not have been thanked.
Rami came back and we discussed the acne issues. He peppered PA Hottie with medical terms and causes to acne and possible options to medicate. She didn't know the answers, by the way. We dicussed my options and I got pretty riled up about it. Because I don't know if you've heard, but I'M A 27-YEAR-OLD WITH ACNE. I told him about the Proactive and how it's actually helping. After a lengthy discussion in which I emphatically shared my opinions on birth control, Accutane, topical treatments, and antibiotics...he gave me an inexpensive prescription antibiotic and a FREE YEAR'S SUPPLY of something that will clear it up. I'm not a fan of what he gave me because it is not being used for it's medical purpose...but Shhhhhh...we'll just ignore it and hope and pray that my acne goes away. I tell you folks, when all else fails, remind the kind physician that you are a poor teacher and he'll give you free stuff. Works every time!
Speculum...PAP...birth control...I don't even care if this blog gets flagged. There is probably some female higher-up at Blogger that firmly believes my story must be shared with the masses. No male knows our pain.
And guess what...praise the Lord for no biopsies. Amen.
I never really minded the opthamologist - seeing as how I've been going since I was one and a half years old. But now, I see the eye doctor visit as one that makes me feel stupid ("NO! I CAN'T READ THAT LETTER! Yes, you are correct; I do teach children their letters. But that does not make me able to read the big E!") and poor (do you know how much the contact lens consultation runs?). The dermatologist was NEVER helpful, seeing as how I'm 27 and have been on Accutane twice and I still have acne. The orthopedic surgeon was great because he fixed my knee twice, but I never want to see him again. I never minded the dentist or orthodontist when I was younger...even when I had braces. But now, I see the tooth doctor as someone who will very soon have to saw into my jaw and cut away bone that is my last widsom tooth. Why didn't my previous oral surgeon remove my third wisdom tooth while he was extracting the bottom two? Because he's a longhorn.
Oh calm down UT grads. I kid. I honestly don't know why Doctor didn't remove all three of my wisdom teeth at one time. Furthermore, I don't know why I didn't ask this question back when he removed them. And even furthermore, I don't know why I only have 3 wisdom teeth instead of four. Anyway, I fear the surgery and the verbal barrage that I must floss more...and therefore dislike the oral health visit all together!
But you know which doctor is my least favorite? The girly-visit doctor. That's right people. I know you feel my discomfort here. I'm going to share a little story with you today that is not for the weak. So brace yourself and buckle down to read a personal, yet hopefully funny, story. And because of the absurdity of my experiences today, I'm not the least bit modest with my medical history. So you're gonna pretty much get it all.
I used to have a general practitioner that was a small Asian woman.
Stop the story. Shouldn't all stories start out with a small Asian woman as the main character? Except she's not the main character...I am. And I'm not Asian. Nor relatively small.
Back to the story. Once upon a time, the small Asian lady doctor used to make me wait in her office for just shy of an hour before she'd see me. Then her apathetic physician's assistant would ask all sorts of questions in a completely dry and slightly aggravating way. She did my first PAP smear when I was 18. She was not gentle. It was not pleasant.
Do we need a minute for all of you to let the word PAP resonate? I bet you didn't see that coming. Oh and it's just the tip of the iceburg in today's lovely vignette.
So I left that doctor's practice and, quite frankly, protested all things health realated unless I was dying. I didn't go back for a girly-visit until quite some years later. I asked many a friend who they like to go to for their girly-visit doctor and one name kept coming back to me: Rami. So, I make an appointment with Rami two years ago at this time. And I went to visit Rami. Rami's my general practitioner but he does it all.
I'm not gonna lie. I was not pleased with the idea of Rami and all his glory down in mine. But he was nice. And funny. And a runner. You could pretty much be a serial killer, but if you're also a runner, I'll befriend you. I don't like many personal questions, even from the doctor. I don't like explaining myself and my decisions. But, when one is paying money to have someone evaluate you're overall health, it's not exactly helpful to answer, "I don't know" when he asks, "Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary? Is there anything you'd like to bring to my attention today?" So I shared with Rami as many details as I could muster...told him I protest the girly-doctor visit...told him that he's on an interview process.
Rami brought in the lady physician assistant so he could do the full body exam that we all know and love. And you know what? Rami's good. Until I heard some rustling and then he said the word "biopsy." Then I punched him in the face. After he came to, he asked for another assistant...because YES! LET'S INVITE MORE PEOPLE IN HERE TO SEE THIS! And so now we're all down there and I'm sweating in a panic. Then I heard a lady crack the door and yell, "Yolanda! Can you bring some more ______? We're gonna need more _______." It was a medical term and I didn't know it until Rami explained that it's an anesthetic. Oh good. Open the door up and bring someone else in here...with an anesthetic. My lucky day.
LOOOOONG story shorter...tears...frantic phonecall to Loop from the parking lot...a week of waiting...and finally negative test results and negative follow up appointments later...I was okay. Like a fool, I made another appointment to see him last year. Except that appointment was short and sweet and no mess. Probably because I sweated balls while I was in there and said two words to him the entire visit. It was a self-imposed shun of Rami because I feared the procedure and that he might say the B-word again. And he did not. And I loved Rami again.
So, today was my annual appointment with Rami. I made sure to have a relaxing morning and did all the things I like to do: run, email, watch lots of morning television, ate a good lunch, and drank a lot of water so I can be ready to pee in a cup. I mentally prepared myself. Not to mention the personal grooming that takes place before this doctor's appointment. Because, while I'm sure it's not THAT big of a deal to him, no one wants to be talked about at the water cooler for their lack of ladyscaping. And I was also prepared to discuss with him my acne issues. Which make me want to stick my head inside a cellophane sack and inhale repeatedly. Because ACNE AT 27 FOR NO APPARENT REASON IS ASININE.
I went through the whole kit and kaboodle of questions and answered them with a smile on my face and even made small talk with the physician's assistant. She's about 50 and very maternal. I like her a lot. Except for last year when I saw her at Barnes and Noble THE DAY AFTER she assisted with my PAP smear. She has a second-job and checked me out at the cash register. I don't think she recognized me with my clothes on and my legs not in stirrups. So, I answered PA Barnes & Noble's questions and we chit chatted and I tried not to sweat balls in the office. Then Rami came in and asked if it would be okay if a new physician's assistant came in to ask me some questions, "Because she's a student and it would be so helpful if she could come in and learn and..." And I cut him off with, "Yeah yeah yeah...bring her in." I was not totally on board with this idea but something told me to be a good sport. I instantly thought of me being a student teacher and needing to learn from experience. I've had several students observe my teaching and I let them work with my kids so that they can be proficient teachers one day. And the only way you're gonna learn is if you get in there and get your hands dirty. Pun intended. I let the PA come in to ask me some questions.
Okay. Well PA comes in...and let's just rename her PA Hottie. That's right. The 5'10'' blonde-haired, blue-eyed, fit, impeccable-skinned, kick-ace-diamond-ring-on-her-left-hand-wearing PA Hottie came in and shook my hand.
I wanted to kick her in the shins, but then thought that might be a touch less than graceful. I shook her hand and immediately thought myself to be a squatty and unintelligent pod of a person. Then I noticed she is an Aggie! PRAISE THE LORD - we have common ground! I ask her if she was and what year and she replied, "Yes, '05." very unaffected. Like she didn't even remember. I have to give the girl some credit -and yes, GIRL because she's younger than I am- she was professional and kind and asked all the medical history in a pleasant way. I kind of liked her. I kind of want to look her up on Facebook because I bet she has a site. Because, apparently, I'm the only one who doesn't. Okay so she goes through my ENTIRE family's medical history, and I had to tell her in detail all about my surgeries and procedures. Do you remember me saying earlier that I don't exactly like answering these personal questions? She made me repeat that I'm not on any medications twice. Like she didn't believe me. And then asked AGAIN, "So, no birth control? No vitamins?" I'm sorry...since when is a daily multi-vitamin considered medication? I admitted to the "women's daily multi-vitamin" but nothing else with a pseudo-smile on my face. I finished answering PA Hottie's questions because I know she's just a lil pup learning to medicate folks like me.
Then Rami came in and said that she's gonna do the exam...and then he explained how to get undressed and put on the "gown" with the white paper blanket that has the thickness of a doily to cover my legs. Seriously, do you need to remind me year after year how to do this? I got it. I follow Rami's instructions and PA Hottie and PA Barnes and Noble come back in. PA B&N looks busy getting the instruments ready and PA Hottie goes ahead and feels me up. Surprisingly, I was okay with this. I'd rather them do that than touch my stomach. And then she touched my stomach and I wanted to kick her in the shins for the second time. Especially when she blinded me with this again...
Okay so PA B&N has the stirrups ready to go...I'm mentally prepared...I'm hangin' off the table...and PA B&N reminds...REMINDS...PA Hottie to show me what she's doing. Hottie goes through the whole "This is what's gonna happen..." schpeil and I wanted to say, "Save it!" but just smiled and offered "Okay!" Because what I really want is a student down there in my business weilding a speculum with as much coordination as a one-armed monkey. Y'all she was down there for at least three times the normal amount and I heard her say, "I can't find the cervix."
Didn't see that coming either, did you? Yeah...NEITHER DID I. I wanted to say, "Well...I'm pretty sure it's there...so HUSTLE IT UP!"
There was so much fishing around and breeziness going on. I tried to remind myself that she was just a young lil Ag and relax as I sang the War Hymn quietly to myself. That's a joke...I didn't. I sang Spirit of Aggieland. Anyway, about 8 minutes later (and that's an accurate account, and FAR too long to be doin' that in my opinion), she found my cervix -YIPPEE!- and did what she had to do. Truth be told, it wasn't bad...it was just long and exposed. I mean, she was down there long enough to find my lungs from her angle. The PAs even made some sort of joke of needing a helmet like the ones miners wear...you know, with the light on the front? Yeah...NOT FUNNY RIGHT NOW. Are you done yet? Then I sat up and she reminded me that we weren't finished and had to do the pelvic and hiney-mo exam. She offered me a "Sorry" because she took so long. I don't know if a doctor is ever supposed to say "sorry" but I felt bad for the girl. She probably wants to be a PA for the cardiac unit and here she is - goin' full throttle on the ob-gyn spectrum. It's kind of like your first love though...she'll never forget her first PAP. Okay so FINALLY, I was able to sit up and hurriedly covered myself with the doily. As PAs Hottie and B&N walked out, Hottie said, "Thank you" and I replied with "Sure!" What? WHO AM I? Why say "Sure" or "No problem" or "Thank you" even? I don't quite know the appropriate response but I should not have been thanked.
Rami came back and we discussed the acne issues. He peppered PA Hottie with medical terms and causes to acne and possible options to medicate. She didn't know the answers, by the way. We dicussed my options and I got pretty riled up about it. Because I don't know if you've heard, but I'M A 27-YEAR-OLD WITH ACNE. I told him about the Proactive and how it's actually helping. After a lengthy discussion in which I emphatically shared my opinions on birth control, Accutane, topical treatments, and antibiotics...he gave me an inexpensive prescription antibiotic and a FREE YEAR'S SUPPLY of something that will clear it up. I'm not a fan of what he gave me because it is not being used for it's medical purpose...but Shhhhhh...we'll just ignore it and hope and pray that my acne goes away. I tell you folks, when all else fails, remind the kind physician that you are a poor teacher and he'll give you free stuff. Works every time!
Speculum...PAP...birth control...I don't even care if this blog gets flagged. There is probably some female higher-up at Blogger that firmly believes my story must be shared with the masses. No male knows our pain.
And guess what...praise the Lord for no biopsies. Amen.
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Little Things
A loooooooooooooong time ago...like 8 months...I started doing my blog and writing "The Little Things" on Fridays. I don't know what happened to that idea. Other than it probably got pushed into the recesses of my brain, covered up by silly worries and life issues that really were a waste of time. So, with that bit of optimism, I'm going to make my Friday list of The Little Things in life that are good.
1. Vera Bradley. I love her purses, bags, clutches, etc. This week, I bought two pieces of a pattern that is being discontinued. Vera would be my hero if she were a real person. You can see the loot I bought here: http://www.verabradley.com/Site/Store/ProductDetail.aspx?dept=400&sku=10326%3a60.
2. Laying out every other day at my leisure. Sizzling my skin to a nice, brown tone with oils and lotions and potions that are akin to something you'd rotisserie a chicken in.
3. Apple crisp. It's the perfect summer dessert. Make sure you serve it with ice cream because the thermometer is nearing 147 degrees and eating a warm dish from the oven would be a death-wish. Enjoy!
3/4 cup brown sugar (packed)
1/2 cup flour
3/4 cup Quaker oats
1/2 cup margarine or butter
fruit: apples, peaches, berries. Wash, remove skin, slice. (about 3 cups, but use as much or little fruit as you'd like!)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease round 8-inch pan with butter. Place fruit in bottom of pan. In separate bowl, mix oats, sugar, flour. Mix in butter to make a cumbly mixture. Put mixture on top of fruit. Bake for 30-35 minutes. Makes 6 servings.
1. Vera Bradley. I love her purses, bags, clutches, etc. This week, I bought two pieces of a pattern that is being discontinued. Vera would be my hero if she were a real person. You can see the loot I bought here: http://www.verabradley.com/Site/Store/ProductDetail.aspx?dept=400&sku=10326%3a60.
2. Laying out every other day at my leisure. Sizzling my skin to a nice, brown tone with oils and lotions and potions that are akin to something you'd rotisserie a chicken in.
3. Apple crisp. It's the perfect summer dessert. Make sure you serve it with ice cream because the thermometer is nearing 147 degrees and eating a warm dish from the oven would be a death-wish. Enjoy!
3/4 cup brown sugar (packed)
1/2 cup flour
3/4 cup Quaker oats
1/2 cup margarine or butter
fruit: apples, peaches, berries. Wash, remove skin, slice. (about 3 cups, but use as much or little fruit as you'd like!)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease round 8-inch pan with butter. Place fruit in bottom of pan. In separate bowl, mix oats, sugar, flour. Mix in butter to make a cumbly mixture. Put mixture on top of fruit. Bake for 30-35 minutes. Makes 6 servings.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Classy Topic
It's summer for me. I have no job. I don't see a WHOLE lot of people. So, I have nothing to blog about. Unless, of course, you want to hear about how 1 in 5 people have genital herpes...which I'm sure you don't. The only reason I know that is because they run the Valtrex commercial on daytime television no less than once every 9 minutes. It's a fact. Seriously, who is their audience here? Middle aged moms that are making lunch for their 7-year-olds. Are they really worried about herpes and their need for an anti-viral medicine? I think not.
ANYWAY...because I have nothing to write about, I'm going to start posting blogs from my early days of blogging. Before I had Blogger...before I had readers across the globe. Or...whatever...all 7 of my readers. You get my drift, though. So, I found this blog that I wrote back in October and it was about kindergartneres and poop. They two are mutually inclusive. ENJOY!!
Installment number 2. Number 2 makes me think of a couple of things. First, this is my second installment of my blog. I might have another installment tonight because I think it's so fun. So perhaps that can make up for the fact that I might skip some days - you know, if I'm busy eating cookie dough or something. Number 2 also makes me think of little boys in the bathroom. I said that I wasn't going to share my normal stories of "Pete peed his pants and Marina cried on the playground and my coworker won't check her email." I lied. Nobody has peed yet today (well, in their pants), but a little boy has spent the better part of the day crying (in the computer lab becuase he couldn't double click, time out in the room because he touched the knife I was using to cut the pumpkin -yes, I let the children play with knives) and my coworker is really stupid. She can't figure out how to check email and further she called humus "hyoomis" today. I looked at her like, "Seriously? You've never heard of HUMus? Ugh." But I just averted my eyes. Okay so moving on to why I think of little boys in the bathroom for #2. I just walked by the bathroom and eavesdropped on two of my CUTE kids from last year (first grade now) and one of them was obviously going #2 and I pieced that together from the grunting and straining that I heard. I started giggling to myself and listened for a sec, which turned into 7 minutes while the other one was just conversing about how "his karate teacher got fired but before that he could punch like 100 times a minute. 1000 actually. Hurry up! How badly do you have to go? Like 100 percent or 200 percent? HURRY UP!" OMG I love my job!
So I don't know what it is about today, but #2s must be 'in the air'. Today, while we are walking up from recess...in two straight lines (well, as straight as straight can get for forty 5-year-olds coming down from their fruit-roll-up-snack high and fresh off the playground hysteria) and one little honey squeals, "EWWWWW MISS ROSE!!!!!!! SOMEBODY POOPED!" as if she's tattling on her incontinent little friend who has just squatted and done some business. She's pointing to the ground and I can't see...I'm like 20 yards away (they're stragglers) and can't see the poop but I'm HOPING it's from an animal. I start laughing...real laughing because it's just that funny...and tell them that it's probably and hopefully from a dog or other large animal and to please not step in it. I reiterate this point for a good 3 minutes. Does anyone else say at work to another person, "Watch out. Don't step in the poop!" ? Sure enough, we walk a few more yards and a little boy then exclaims that he got it on him and shows me a LARGE SCHMEAR of poop on the back of his right calf. I'm so laughing at this point and we ALL stop and get off the sidewalk and onto the grass, I remind them not to step in any poop, and wipe your feet on the grass because we "will not trek poop into our lovely place of learning. The school is no place for poop!" I tell the little boy all about how when we get inside, he is to first wipe the poop off his leg with SEVERAL baby wipes, making sure not to get it on his hands, and then to wash his hands really really well to get the germs off. Okay. So, we make it inside and I'm doubled-over laughing about how many times I have just said "poop" with the five-year-olds and how a school is no place for the poop.
Then Mr. Gonzales comes in and shows my class the fossils of "dinosaur poop" that his class has just created and examined in the science lab.
To Mr. Gonzales: Thank you for discrediting my point that school is no place for poop. The kindergarteners will never believe anything else I say. Well played my friend, well played.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Looky What I Did!
Well I'm bored. I know, I know...I should bite my tongue and not admit that my readers. If nothing other than for fear of being struck down by the masses that purport that teachers "have the best job ever because you have summers off." Well I'm here to tell you that I'm bored.
And it's not like I'm not busy because I am. I've had lunch with a friend, worked a little on the computer (actual work, and not cyber-stalking), I ran 4 miles, finished reading a book, and I'm about to go donate blood. If donating blood doesn't trump everyone else's day as productive then I don't know what does. Perhaps I'll donate a kidney tomorrow.
Anyway, in all my free time, I've gotten really good at making a mocha frapaccino that rivals Starbucks...I gave myself a dang good pedicure...
Do you see the Fitness magazine next to my pretty toes? I read it and almost threw it into the fireplace. Except that would have done no good because I have no logs in the fireplace. Oh yeah...and it's 147 degrees today, so no need for the fire. Shockingly, the magazine was chock full of buff and trim women who do simple things like leg lifts. I'm sorry...have leg lifts EVER done anything for anyone other than prove that yes, you do have cellulite? The magazine has been sitting there for the last month and I scoff every time I see it. Even under my pretty toes.
Also, I hauled various objects from my backyard to the front yard for trash pick up.
That's right. MANUAL LABOR.
I hate working in the yard. Which is surprising because I like to be outdoors and I like to sweat. Even in Texas on June 21 when it's 147 degrees outside. I just don't like the unknown of flowerbeds: the critters or slithering creatures and just what in the world to do with all the plants that JUST KEEP GROWING. Stop growing for heaven's sakes! On Saturday, I decided to attack some green vines with my new pruning shears. Turns out, a machete would have worked better. But I found some good stuff!
Apparently, the previous owners aren't missing their butterfly stone (atrocious), boogie board (hidden behind the A/C unit), the lattice work thing (that I pulled off of the fence with my bare hands and brut strength), and the big tree stump (that I unearthed and found NO snakes!). It was productive to say the least.
Take that tax-payers!
And it's not like I'm not busy because I am. I've had lunch with a friend, worked a little on the computer (actual work, and not cyber-stalking), I ran 4 miles, finished reading a book, and I'm about to go donate blood. If donating blood doesn't trump everyone else's day as productive then I don't know what does. Perhaps I'll donate a kidney tomorrow.
Anyway, in all my free time, I've gotten really good at making a mocha frapaccino that rivals Starbucks...I gave myself a dang good pedicure...
Do you see the Fitness magazine next to my pretty toes? I read it and almost threw it into the fireplace. Except that would have done no good because I have no logs in the fireplace. Oh yeah...and it's 147 degrees today, so no need for the fire. Shockingly, the magazine was chock full of buff and trim women who do simple things like leg lifts. I'm sorry...have leg lifts EVER done anything for anyone other than prove that yes, you do have cellulite? The magazine has been sitting there for the last month and I scoff every time I see it. Even under my pretty toes.
Also, I hauled various objects from my backyard to the front yard for trash pick up.
That's right. MANUAL LABOR.
I hate working in the yard. Which is surprising because I like to be outdoors and I like to sweat. Even in Texas on June 21 when it's 147 degrees outside. I just don't like the unknown of flowerbeds: the critters or slithering creatures and just what in the world to do with all the plants that JUST KEEP GROWING. Stop growing for heaven's sakes! On Saturday, I decided to attack some green vines with my new pruning shears. Turns out, a machete would have worked better. But I found some good stuff!
Apparently, the previous owners aren't missing their butterfly stone (atrocious), boogie board (hidden behind the A/C unit), the lattice work thing (that I pulled off of the fence with my bare hands and brut strength), and the big tree stump (that I unearthed and found NO snakes!). It was productive to say the least.
Take that tax-payers!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Smooth Operator
After precious amounts of time and my retinal health were sucked from me yesterday in the Great Sunglasses Search of '08, I came home and ate a healthy snack. Nothing says abs of steel like a big bowl o' queso. And I only used he best ingredients: Velveeta, Pace, and Tostitos. All name brands, you notice? I figure the name brand foods can make up for the fact that I spent ONE DOLLAR on sunglasses. And those puppies served me well today. Good purchase.
I ate my snack at like 5:30, and then got hungry for actual sustenance around 7:30. A friend was coming over to watch The Bachelorette (who I have a super-girl-crush on...DeAnna, not my friend) so I needed to make a quick meal. I needed an efficient meal to curb my queso fiasco from a few hours earlier. I needed protein, greens, calcium...healthy stuff. So I decided a smoothie was my best option.
Have I ever made a food smoothie before? No I have not. My smoothies are chocolate protein shakes that are made with milk. And if they didn't add so much bulk to my body, I'd drink them all the time and even use them to brush my teeth. Delicious.
I have a friend who makes a food smoothie every day and he's very healthy. And I've tried the smoothie before and it's acceptable. Not like I'd brush my teeth with it, but good nonetheless. So I decided to make one of my own. Except that I substituted a couple ingredients that I prefer, over his broccoli and tasteless protein powder. My smoothie consisted of: a small strawberry Light Done Right yogurt, frozen peach slices, honey, milk, the chocolate protein powder, almonds, and spinach. All excellent ingredients by themselves. And my queso-euphoria had me believing that these would be just as tasty in a blended form. After all, I had tasted my friend's smoothie and it had similar ingredients.
Well, my smoothie, though serving it's purpose for speed and nutrition, tasted like vomit. Looked like vomit, too. Smelled fine. And it wasn't the spinach that ruined it...that green stuff is GOOD. I went wrong with the almonds. They were salted and should have been saltless. Cruel.
I finished off my food smoothie and ate some ice cream with Heath pieces on top. Blue Bell makes a new flavor, folks! Centennial Cupcake. Cake batter ice cream, cake pieces, chocolate icing swirl, and green clover sprinkles. The sprinkles support the 100th anniversary of 4H in the state of Texas. I once knew a girl in 4H. She had a lamb named Fleece.
I bet that friend of mine, and Fleece -wherever she is, God rest her soul- would support me brushing my teeth and even bathing in Centennial Cupcake. I highly recommend.
I ate my snack at like 5:30, and then got hungry for actual sustenance around 7:30. A friend was coming over to watch The Bachelorette (who I have a super-girl-crush on...DeAnna, not my friend) so I needed to make a quick meal. I needed an efficient meal to curb my queso fiasco from a few hours earlier. I needed protein, greens, calcium...healthy stuff. So I decided a smoothie was my best option.
Have I ever made a food smoothie before? No I have not. My smoothies are chocolate protein shakes that are made with milk. And if they didn't add so much bulk to my body, I'd drink them all the time and even use them to brush my teeth. Delicious.
I have a friend who makes a food smoothie every day and he's very healthy. And I've tried the smoothie before and it's acceptable. Not like I'd brush my teeth with it, but good nonetheless. So I decided to make one of my own. Except that I substituted a couple ingredients that I prefer, over his broccoli and tasteless protein powder. My smoothie consisted of: a small strawberry Light Done Right yogurt, frozen peach slices, honey, milk, the chocolate protein powder, almonds, and spinach. All excellent ingredients by themselves. And my queso-euphoria had me believing that these would be just as tasty in a blended form. After all, I had tasted my friend's smoothie and it had similar ingredients.
Well, my smoothie, though serving it's purpose for speed and nutrition, tasted like vomit. Looked like vomit, too. Smelled fine. And it wasn't the spinach that ruined it...that green stuff is GOOD. I went wrong with the almonds. They were salted and should have been saltless. Cruel.
I finished off my food smoothie and ate some ice cream with Heath pieces on top. Blue Bell makes a new flavor, folks! Centennial Cupcake. Cake batter ice cream, cake pieces, chocolate icing swirl, and green clover sprinkles. The sprinkles support the 100th anniversary of 4H in the state of Texas. I once knew a girl in 4H. She had a lamb named Fleece.
I bet that friend of mine, and Fleece -wherever she is, God rest her soul- would support me brushing my teeth and even bathing in Centennial Cupcake. I highly recommend.
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