Let It Go

I remember in college hearing a sermon, Bible study, or wise words from someone that said something to the effect of, "Take all the plans and things you want for your life and pretend like you're holding them in your hand. Hold them tightly in your fist." I did so as I sat in my chair. I remember gripping, gripping, gripping tightly and thinking about finishing school and moving to my hometown and becoming a teacher and getting a graduate degree and getting married and having a family and living a happy and fulfilled life. Then the speaker said, "Now let it go. Drop it. You can't control it and you can't hold onto it." I had a lump in my throat. I didn't want to do it. I don't know if I ever did.

I wish so badly to have the bold faith it takes to drop the plans and expectations I hold so dear, but I am a girl that likes to be in control. Of everything. Those who know me might...might...use obsessive-compulsive as a term to describe me. And I'm sure they do so lovingly. Just like how they'd use the term "bossy" lovingly. Because, while I have many things in my life, honest and patient friends are a true gift I've been blessed with.

I swallow hard even now when I think about holding my plans and then reluctancly opening my clenched fist. The only reassurance I have is that God is in control. And surely, if I were the one doing the controlling, it would not be a happy and fulfilling life. It might only be status quo, at best. At that time in college, I tried my hardest to release the expectations that I had set for my life. But somewhere along the way, I've been tricked into believing that I can do it better. And that when I exercise patience, it won't be good enough or it will take too long. How long is too long? I have a tendency to think, "Okay, I'll just hurry up and be patient." Have you ever heard of anything more oxymoronic?

I know that the more I plan, the harder I fall when plans don't come to fruition just so. And trust me, it's happened. Again...I tend to operate with a touch of the OCD. I find comfort in the control I have over events and circumstances. I plan and execute. There aren't many areas of my life that don't go according to my plan. In fact, there is only one. Regardless, I know that I must continue to try to exercise the bold faith that I so desire.

Do you know what that means? Patience (read: longsuffering) is a virtue.