Sweet Mercies

I write today with a heavy, heavy saddness on my heart and with giant tears in my eyes. I've cried hard before, but I sobbed weighty sobs today. I can barely get through this but I really want to. Gosh, I don't know where to start and this may be all over the map. I'm sorry in advance.

Ever since becoming a Christian, I haven't always known 'the Plan' but believed...through blind faith...that God will work things to my good. I struggle...like most others...with trusting that concept, relinquishing control to Him, patience...but I believe it. I look for the lessons God is trying to teach me...I pray...I listen...I try. Well, God's trying to teach me a lesson here. I hear Him loud and clear. Right now, today. It SUCKS that it took all of this saddness for the last 6 months for me to get it. But I got it. I got it all in 2007.

I posted yesterday on 2007 and reflection and the title was, "And I think to myself..." If you went and listened to the song, it was..."And I think to myself...what a wonderful world." And isn't it?

Our earthly answer is, "Yes it is. This is a beautiful world." And I believe it is: the landscapes and colors and experiences and feelings and emotions and people and relationshps and smells and tastes...and I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot here. It is all beautiful. And God gave it to us to enjoy. He gave us our senses (hopefully) to enjoy it.

But it is so so easily taken. My co-worker lost her husband to a massive heart attack at the age of 39 yesterday. The last day of 2007. They have three daughters: ages 6, 4, and 2. The grief today was incomprehensible. There is no rhyme or reason. And I held her and told her things we both believe about our faith but it was all futile words. She was saying that she knows there was a reason for him to be here and be gone so soon. He was a Christian man and he's rejoicing in Heaven and they'll be reunited again...no doubt about it. She knows she has to be strong for the girls. But those girls will never grow up with their daddy. He played on the floor with them and he was supposed to walk them down the aisle. Veronica kept telling me she lost the love of her life. That's it. It's over for her. And I believed her. She tried to revive him. At least she was with him. Now there are his clothes and his side of the bed and the memories and the dreams. And two nights ago when they went on a date and shared their hopes and expectations for the coming year and for life. Gone. She hugged me and told me to cherish my new nephew (Side note SNL, she has determined you're having a boy!) because it can all be gone. In the moments when I was to console her, we buried our sobbing faces in each other's necks and she showered me with compliments. She told me about how wonderful and amazing I am and how love like that is so rare these days and she knows I'll find it and when I do to hold on for dear life. This woman is strong as stone. She'll be okay...his family will be okay...her family will be okay...those girls will be okay...friends will be okay. God will provide for what we need. For that day...that's what He's promised. Day by day.

It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I never, ever, EVER want to experience a pain like that. NEVER. But can we protect against it? Are we strong enough to get through it? I unfortunately felt despair for life stronger than I have before. So much so, that I fear the good things because I consequently fear them being taken away. I can't imagine the loss. I drove home with gigantic tears streaming down my cheeks saying, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" And it is. Is it worth it? I just don't know. Unfortunately.

So here's my lesson. Yesterday I was saying, "What a wonderful world." Today, I think...

The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. ~John 12:25-26


It is shattering that deep, guttural pain reminds me not to love this life as much as I do. It's like God was saying, "How much can I give her to bear? How about I let her endure this...and then this...oh, this too. When will she break?" And I held up as long as I could. And now I can't.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16

Do you remember playing with your older brother (most of us have one, sorry Coco...but I bet the middle daughter did this to you) and he'd pin you down and tickle you, or give you the Indian Torture Treatment or an Indian Burn? In my house, it worked to cry to get the brother to release...but the surefire way to get him to stop was to say, "MERCY!" While I don't feel like God would ever forsake me or torture me, I feel like my heart cries out, "MERCY!" Please stop. Enough.

The last thing I want to share...besides the tender words God gives me through His Word to remind me that there is a rhyme and reason...are the lyrics to this song. As I drove home from visiting Veronica, this Chris Tomlin song was on my CD. It is one that I hadn't payed attention to before. The song is so fitting in how it cries out for Mercy. Sweet mercies. Please read the lyrics. Please pray for Veronica and her daughters Vanessa, Diana, Sophie in the loss of their father and husband, Santos.

"Let Your Mercy Rain" by Chris Tomlin
(I could only find it on Amazon, in a short clip http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000S55CWI/ref=dm_mu_dp_trk10?ie=UTF8&qid=1199240434&sr=1-1)

God, You have done great things
God, You give grace to the weak
And bless the brokenhearted
With a song of praise to sing
You reached down and lifted us up
You came running, looking for us
And now there's nothing
And no one beyond Your love

You're the overflow
You're the fountain of my heart
Let Your mercy rain
Let Your mercy rain on us

You're the faithful one
When the world's falling apart
Let Your mercy rain
Let Your mercy rain on us

How deep, how wide, how long, how high is Your love ... is Your love
How deep, how wide, how long, how high is Your love ... is Your love
Oh, God

Let it rain